Ready Aim

Ready Aim
by Ronald Matthew Kelly
Copyright 2007


Outside the bar, well after closing time, I sat inside the Van of Doom, engine idling, watching Johnny Wraith as he walked across the parking lot. He was headed in the direction of the two mullet-heads who had so recently, and furiously, aroused his ire. They had mocked me in my recent distress, and it was his stated intention to reprimand them for their insolence. Johnny could not abide insult of any form; that it had been directed at me made no difference to him, as we were blood brothers. To his way of thinking, an insult to his friend was an insult to himself, and such insult must be avenged at all costs.

As he took he first steps towards the mullet heads, I heard him repeat the first line of what is reported to be Genghis Khan’s final address to his troops, his retirement speech if you will:

“The Greatest Joy is Victory!”

I recited the balance of the oration:

“To conquer one’s enemies… to deprive them of their property… to make their beloved weep… to embrace their wives and daughters… and to ride their horses!”

So strong was Johnny’s conviction that the greatest joy was indeed victory, I believe that he considered himself to be the lawyerly reincarnation of Genghis Khan! Thankfully, he was not a military man with dictatorial aspirations. As a lawyer he was fearsome enough!

As he crossed a concrete bordered strip of grass and shrubbery that divided the parking lot in half, I noticed just how dark the area was, the lights around the bar having been turned off just moments before. Light seeping in from the street beyond the parking lot provided some illumination, preventing total darkness.

I was still quite buzzed from my not inconsiderable intake of booze. However, the recent violent rejection, and subsequent regurgitation, of the more toxic elements of my nightly overindulgence (forming the basis for mullet-head mockery) had left me feeling more or less refreshed. As well being as extremely hungry. Comfortable as I was with Johnny’s ability to handle himself in any situation, I decided to move the Van of Doom closer to the action. Shifting into drive, I started over to where the mullet-heads were parked. Johnny was almost upon them.

Because the shrub divider prevented me from driving directly over, I realized I would have to circle the parking lot. For a few seconds, Johnny and the mullets would be hidden from my view. This made me nervous, but I realized that it would allow me to approach the mullets from behind, providing a tremendous tactical advantage, should such be necessary.

Just before rounding the last corner of the parking lot, Johnny and the mullets came into my view. By all appearances, all was well. But I sense that something is amiss. Now I see it! The mullets have adopted an aggressive stance, having separated themselves to either side in front of Johnny, who appears to be backing away from them. Not waiting to integrate this information, I floor the accelerator, and with engine roaring, round the final curve.

Aimed directly at the trio, my headlights wash over the scene. Something is definitely wrong! By spinning the wheel to the right while simultaneously applying the break, I slew the Van of Doom to the left and skid sideways to a halt, the driver’s side door directly behind the mullets, ten feet away.

All of this action takes less than three seconds to accomplish, so neither Johnny, nor the mullets have reacted yet. Good. Surprise is my ally.

Grabbing hold of the .38 caliber Colt Snub-nosed Detective Special I keep in the map pocket of the door, I very deliberately withdraw it from its resting place, point it out the window, carefully aim, and gently pull back on the hammer of the gun. The sound the hammer makes as it clicks into battery seems as loud as the gunshots that may soon follow. Maybe it sounds just as loud to Johnny and the mullets, as they all appear to be frozen in place. Is that a look of relief I detect on Johnny’s face?

“Freeze, assholes! Hands up!”

Two hands shoot skyward.

“Not you, Johnny, the other two assholes!”

Johnny drops his, but the hands of the mullets remain at their sides.

“I said, ‘Hands up.’ Now, show me a touchdown!”

Even under extreme stress, I cannot resist the funny. In football, two hands in the air signals a touchdown.

“You also said ‘Freeze, assholes!’ If we put our hands up, we’ll be moving.”

This came from one of the mullets. Reasonable man that I am, I had to admit that he had a point.

“Okay, my bad. Let’s try this again. “Hands up!”

Six hands shot skyward.

“Damn it, Johnny, NOT YOURS! Will you please quit fucking around, and move off to the side? I don’t want a through-and-through taking you out!”

Johnny dropped his arms, and moved to his right, away from the Camaro, out of my line of ready aim.

“Okay, now that everyone’s hands are in the right place, freeze, assholes!”

“Sorry, Ronald. I’m a little nervous. Isn’t that the gun I gave you?”

“The very one.”

“Ummm… you remember I told you it had a hair trigger?”

“Yeah, so what? I ain’t pointing it at you, and I sure don’t see it pointed at me.”

“Yeah, well, good point, but I’m just saying…”

“Okay, Johnny, message received. You hear that boys? This gun I have here, aimed at your backs, is possessed of a hair trigger. Sudden moves startle me, and when I get startled, my fingers clench up, and that would lead to a bloody accident. I don’t want any dead bodies by accident. If anyone has to end up dead, I want it to be a purposeful act. You boys understand me?”

As if they had rehearsed it, in unison they both replied,

“Yes, sir!”

Now that’s what I like. The proper respect for my authority!

“Johnny?”

“Yes, Ronald?”

“What’s going on here?”

“Well, as you know, I came over here to talk to these two fellows, regarding their recent acts of mockery towards you. I let them know that I didn’t appreciate what they had done, but frankly, they did not appear to be at all receptive to my point of view. I had the feeling that an apology would not be forthcoming. I also sensed that they were more than willing to offer me the opportunity to feel some pain, and possibly suffer some permanent injury. Now, notwithstanding my earlier assertion to you that I would have my boot on their necks and blood on my hands, it was beginning to appear to me that it might not go down that way.”

“Why’s that, Johnny? I’ve seen you handle men twice your size!”

“Well, that may well be, but all those other times I was sober.”

“Gotcha. “

“So, anyway, I’m thinking that I had better start making a strategic withdrawal when, all of a sudden, I made what could have been, except for your timely arrival upon the scene, a fatal error.”

“And what was that?”

“I leaned on the Camaro.”

“Oh.”

“The two mullets started to move in on me, and then you showed up. Boy, was I sure glad to see you poke your gun out the window!”

“Okay. Well, let me take it from here.”

I addressed the mullets.

“Hey, guys, look, I don’t want to unduly influence your answer by reminding you that I have a gun, with a hair trigger mind you, pointed at your backs, but if you don’t mind, has what my friend here pretty much summed up the totality of the circumstances?”

I get no response.

“What the hell… cat got your tongue? You gonna answer me, or what.”

Still no response.

“Ronald?”

“Yes, Johnny?”

“They’re mullets, and they probably don’t know what ‘totality of the circumstances’ means.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. Let me try this again. Hey, dudes, is that the way the whole thing went down?”

“Yes, sir!”

At least they still respect my authority. Or the authority of my gun. Same thing really.

“Okay. What are your names, anyway.”

“TLoamrmryyl”

Again, as if rehearsed, they spoke in unison, blurring their names together.

“Try it again boys, one at a time.”

“LTaormrmyy”

“Okay, one more time, but this time, from right to left!”

Silence. Is it possible that these two yahoos don’t know left from right?

“Oh, this is really getting tedious! Johnny, do me a favor, point to one, and ask him his name, okay?”

“Sure, Ronald.”

Johnny pointed at the left-hand mullet, and asked him his name, which turned out to be Tommy.

“And the other?”

He pointed at the other, who seemed to be somewhat brighter than his buddy, as he gave his name without prompting.

“Larry.”

“Tommy, Larry, pleased to meet you, I’m Ronald, and this is my friend Johnny, who, of course you’ve already met.”

“Now, I know that it probably seems like time has just sped by since I came upon the scene, but honestly, we’ve wasted about four pages of this story since I got here, just to establish what happened, and to get your names.”

“Now, I’m a reasonable man, but I think we really need to wrap this up. I want to resolve this situation with a minimum of bloodshed, as well as eliminate any possibility for revenge on your part. So here’s what I want you to do.”

“First off, Larry, I want you to give me the name of your probation officer.”

“How’d you know I was on probation?”

“I didn’t, but it seemed like a reasonable guess. See, I’m in the justice business, and you seemed to have the stink of petty criminality on you. So what’s his name?”

“Why, what are you gonna do?”

“Larry, I’m beginning to get a hand cramp. You don’t want my fingers spazzing, do you? It could get ugly!”

“No.”

“Okay, then. So what’s your PO’s name?”

“Allen H####.”

(Larry gave me Allen’s full name, but I’d prefer that he’d remain anonymous. Allen probably wants it that way, too.”)

“Good news, Larry, I know Mr. H. He’s a pretty understanding sort of man, but he sure isn’t going to understand why you’re out this late, consuming alcohol, and about to drive a car. Like I said, I’m in the biz, and I know that right now you are in violation of the terms and conditions of your probation. What will Allen do if I tell him I met you?”

“Uh… probably violate my probation?”

“Gee, Larry, you got it right in one.”

“Are you gonna do that?”

“Not if you and Tommy follow my instructions to the letter. Do you think you can do that?”

“Sure.”

“Hey, Tommy?”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry, man, I don’t want to leave you out of the negotiations. You heard what I said to Larry? That I won’t rat him out to his PO if you two cooperate? You gonna go along with that?”

“Why should I, I’m not on probation.”

“Hey, Larry, you hear that? Seems to me that Tommy really doesn’t care what happens to you. Some friend, huh?”

Larry glanced over at Tommy, and started to speak,

“Tommy…”

“Never mind, Larry, I think I know a way to deal with this issue. Johnny?”

“Yes, Ronald?”

“Help Tommy see the light, if you would, please.”

“How do you mean…”

“Johnny, remember what Ghengis Khan said? The greatest joy is victory, and all that?”

“Oh yeah.”

Johnny walked up to Tommy, and delivered a crushing blow to his snot-locker. As the blood poured down his face, Johnny kneed him in the groin. Tommy fell over, groaning, and writhing in pain, But Johnny was not yet finished. Placing his foot upon Tommy’s neck, he asked if a simple question.

“Is it over, Tommy?”

Johnny waited several seconds, but got no response. He gently applied pressure to Tommy’s neck, and repeated his question.

“Is it over, Tommy?”

This time Tommy nodded his head.

“Yeah, I thought so. Ronald?”

“Yes, Johnny?”

“Tommy has decided he wants to cooperate.”

“Good. Larry?”

“Yes, sir?”

Still respectful, after all that had happended. I was beginning to like this guy.

“Okay, here’s what’s gonna happen. We’re going to leave you and Tommy in a minute or so. I’m willing to let bygones be bygones. I won’t call your PO, if you guys just get the hell out of here, and never come back to this bar. Ever. Don’t look back, don’t try to follow us, and don’t ever tell anyone what happened here. Okay?”

“Sure thing, man!”

“Somehow, I’m not completely convinced of your sincerity. Frankly, I think you may be tempted to look for revenge after we leave, and things have cooled down a bit. Among other things, you might decide to call the cops, and tell them what happened here. Hell, I might be tempted to do the same, if I we’re in your shoes.”

“I mean, after all, when you get right down to it, just on the strength of my good friend Johnny’s word, I held you at gunpoint and threatened to kill you, both actions being certainly illegal. Also, I promised to not to report you your PO, which is not only unethical, but reflects poorly upon my professionalism. And, to top it all off, I incited Johnny here to administer a beat down to poor old Tommy, because he was to dumb to see it coming.”

“So… it really wouldn’t surprise me if you were to call the police after all. But I wouldn’t recommend it. You know why, Larry?”

“Uh… why?”

“Like I said before, I’m in the biz. And you’re on probation. And I tell a better story. Who do you think the cops are gonna believe? Who do you think they’re going to WANT to believe? Get my point?”

“I think so.”

“So we’re done here?”

“I guess.”

“Good. Johnny?”

“Yes, Ronald?”

“Is Tommy still among the land of the living?”

“He appears to be.”

“Well, say goodbye, and get in the van.”

Johnny started towards the van.

“Tommy?”

“Yes, sir?” I could tell it was an effort for Tommy to speak. But that’s what happens to people who get lippy.

“You hear what I told Larry?”

“Yeah.”

“Are we done here, then?”

“I guess so.”

“Fine. Have a nice night!”

As Johnny was walking over to the passenger side of the Van of Doom, I gave a last piece of advice to Larry.

“Hey Larry… for what it’s worth, it’s not nice to make fun of people.”

Johnny got in the van, and closed his door.

“You just never know how they’re going to react. You know what I mean?”

Larry just looked at me. I could tell he didn’t really didn’t like the way his evening had ended. But I could also tell that he knew there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. We’d never see him around the bar again.

I pulled my arm through the window, and replaced the gun in its holster. Placing the Van of Doom in reverse, I back away from the Camaro. Larry walked over to Tommy, and bent down to help him up.

Placing the van in drive, I made my way to the street.

“Well, Johnny, what shall we do now?”

“Ronald, what do we always do after a night of honky-tonk debauchery?”

Turning left onto the street, I replied,

“Jack in the Box it is, then! I can hear those Jumbo Jacks calling me now!”

Merging with traffic, I pressed down on the accelerator. The Van of Doom responded with a surge of power.

“Do me a favor, okay, Johnny?”

“Sure, what is it?”

“Put your seatbelt on. You know how I feel about respect for the law.”

My stomach rumbled. It would soon be satisfied.